On any given day

Friday, September 16, 2016

Where I’m at right now. I’m lost and found and right where I started but also, somehow so far ahead. I’m 30 and feeling no different than my 20’s but starting to recognize the distinction. I’m spending weekend nights dancing with many my sister’s age and wondering how much of my week to week it should really take up. I’m constantly being pulled to pictures of hiking and gorgeous views off of the highways. I listen to songs about small towns with few roads. I look at pictures of rooms that are set on expanses of land and I feel a pull.

I remember Montana and want so badly to go back. To the second story room with little decoration and abundant calm. To the porch across the hayfield where I sat with a puppy sleeping on my lap. I want to go back to the steady sway of the day, of sitting in the sun with dogs at my feet, to driving back up the dirt road, to laying in the bed with the sounds of Montana putting me to sleep.

I’m tired of planning, I’m tired of overthinking, I’m tired of disappointment in myself and anything else. I’m spending time in the morning writing, sometimes trying to examine my wishes and next steps, other times asking for direction. Please lead me, I don’t want to keep leading myself. Where am I going to shine brightest? Where can I feel that peace again.

At the risk of sounding just awful, I am homesick for a place I’m not sure I’ve ever been.

I’m not here to write how to’s. To wax poetic on things I know to be true. I am not here to create listicles or fancy images for click bait.
I’ve been looking for blogs that have heart, that tell the stories of the day to day. The small adventures, the actual vacations and not the “I gave up everything to travel the world and I’m making millions at it.” I’m tired of the perfectly styled. I go toward the blogs that have fewer followers hoping to still find the accidental grittiness, the lack of filters.
I appreciate what people have been able to accomplish, I appreciate that wild hearts have been given space to create a life that they want to, but that’s not what I came to the internet to see. I came here, to online journals and blogs so long ago to read other people’s takes on ordinary days. To read about their dreams and their messy messy minds. I come here for that and yet I am tired to put it out there myself. So here’s the real. Here’s what is true in my head somedays and feels like a lie others.

I’m homesick often for places that don’t actually exist, I’m also challenging myself to create space to feel home right where I am at. I’m wanting the peace that I found in the Montana days but also wondering if that’s the prize after working on some other things.

I’m working on keeping my eyes looking straight ahead and less in the rearview mirror.

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