Catching up

Sunday, September 11, 2016

I think about this space often, when I read other blogs, when I read good books, when I go through the bajillion different conflicting thoughts in my head. When I think I’ve got it and then again when that idea slips through the crack in my fingers like water. I think about this space when I feel like I have something to say and when I feel like what I have to say doesn’t matter. I think about it positively when I read other blogs that help me but then I wonder what I could possibly say that would help someone else. I add to lists of links on unfinished posts but I don’t press publish.
I’ve been coming back to it slowly. I’ve been writing in a journal just about every day lately. I’ve been reading books about faith with a religious base and sometimes it’s a struggle and sometimes it’s exactly what I need.
I’m asking myself questions about validation and where I am trying so hard to get it from. I am looking at my age and often judging. But I’m also having better conversations with myself. Sometimes it’s like it has been all these years and I think that I’m embarrassing or dumb or five other names packaged with cuss words to get the point driven home, to try and motivate. You’re probably not shocked to hear that those conversations never work, that they bring me down farther. There are times though, when I ask better questions, when I look at my tendencies without judging and try to figure out how I can set myself up better for success the next time. Every once in a while I take the power away from the other person that I am trying to get validation from and give it back to myself. I remind myself that their validation doesn’t pay my bills, it doesn’t kiss me goodnight, it doesn’t support me like I want to be supported. Right now, I’m the only one that can do that. Right now I have to believe that I deserve to support myself and validate myself.
The validation contemplation has been going on for a week or so now and as I read more about seemingly unconnected things a word popped into my head. Worthy. When I was younger the word was enough. Enough of this madness of tearing myself down, and/or I am enough. I hope that word works for other people, but to me, while it sometimes helped, it often felt like it was still a plea, like I was still looking for some outside source to agree that it was enough, that I could stop kicking myself while I was down. Worthy has a different feel. Maybe it’s the faith connotation, maybe it’s where I’m at in my life now vs then. I don’t really know. But it feels a whole hell of a lot more empowering and guiding than enough did.
I’m struggling with being single, I’ve been struggling with being single for, well, my whole dating life minus that 9 months with Dan. I thought once I got out of that relationship that it would only be a matter of processing the loss and then I would be on my way to another one and not the long gaps that I had experienced before. I thought maybe I’ve broken that horrid curse or something, I’d figured something out. It’s been three years since I met Dan, two since we broke up and guess who’s still incredibly single! This chick right here. I’ve talked to other people, there have been sparks and then they crash and burn and I wonder why they don’t stay. This is where that validation contemplation came in. I’ve been rolling through so many different thoughts lately on the subject that maybe I’ll get into another time, but eventually I came to the word worthy. And while it started from the validation needs and relationships I found that both are really part of a bigger picture. My search for validation in all kinds of relationships creates this hole where worthy could be. I am going to keep exploring this. I’m not sure this work will ever be done.
Which is another thing I have struggled with for a long, long time. I keep searching for epiphanies, words, quotes, sayings, theories that I can feed to my brain and then snap my fingers and everything will start falling into place. I will just decide and all the years of other conditioning will fall away because this one quote is just so strong. Not going to happen. It works for a bit, they always work for a bit, but then a challenge comes up and the quote or saying or epiphany becomes flimsy and I stop sticking up for myself and start tearing back in. Validation, worth. Here we are again.
It’s come to the point where I don’t even want to say I’m searching for happiness, I don’t actually think that’s my goal anymore. It’s elusive and it doesn’t even feel like it’s the point, it’s become another buzz word. Instead I’m looking towards finding ways to support myself, to be better to myself. I fail at it a lot. But now that it’s something I’m thinking about I also have moments of success. I’m hoping the moments of success build on themselves, that I find a way to work with my current cracked foundation. That I find a way to work with what is natural and what is there instead of trying to fight against it. Like trying to lay cement over strong tree roots and wondering why it cracks. Maybe a tree isn’t a good metaphor because then the possible solution would be to uproot the tree but that’s not what I want. Another solution, move the foundation spot a couple of feet/yards in a direction that isn’t going to be moved by strong roots? I promise I’m going somewhere with this. These strong roots that keep breaking the foundation I am trying to lay are me, they are the true me, they are the values that I deeply believe and want to live by. The foundation I’ve been trying to lay over them is made up of opposing values, it’s not working with the roots that are healthy and wonderful in their own right as long as you don’t have to have a house right on top of them. Maybe it feels like my foundation keeps cracking because I’m laying it in the wrong place. I’ll keep exploring that metaphor I’m sure.
Ultimately I don’t want to come here and tell anybody how to do things. I feel like I get some answers and then get smacked back down again so frequently that I have no room to give advice. I don’t have a list of things for anyone to do, I don’t have a list of things for myself to do. I feel like my methodologies are often spastic and riddled with ADD. But I do want to show up. I know how much other people showing up and writing helps me, and I know that writing can be therapy, so I am going to work on showing up more. And I’m leaving the rules behind. I’m not always going to have a pretty picture, I don’t want to take the time to search for one. If that means less people read it, so be it. This is, quite possibly, just for me anyway.

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