It was a day of pleasantly surprising moments.
I won a raffle prize at a gift wrapping demonstration. I watched and listened for 15 minutes while they talked about how their products would make the holidays just a little easier, and how to make a seamless wrap job, and then, at the end, my name was called and I was given a $20 gift card.
Before today I didn’t really believe myself to be the winner of raffles, in fact before today I would get pretty grumpy about it. Something was different though. Earlier I easily found the perfect spot in a busy parking lot before my massage, and before the demonstration had begun I saw one of my favorite authors walk up to his wife who happened to be waiting to see the same demonstration. I smiled right at him, a big, open smile. I don’t do that very often these days. Another surprise.
So many thoughts and ideas running around in my head lately (always). It gets a little overwhelming. Sometimes I think I should take the month of December off blogging, then another part thinks I just need to start another secret one for my thoughts. Get them all out. But I have a journal for that. Nobody reads my journal though. What is this need to be writing for someone else?
I’m not getting existential I am always wondering what I am doing with this space, if I want to be doing it better, if it’s going to negatively affect my life if I show up more often, even more honest.
So far though, has anything bad come of sharing my thoughts here? I’ve met new friends, pushed myself slowly and surely to get better with editing photos, and it’s been my excuse to go keep putting myself out there and taking pictures that I feel too shy to take. The ones that make me seem like I stick out a bit in a crowd. But We Will Stay is not a business and wasn’t meant to be. Funny how that came out so certainly from my fingertips just now when I always figured I had been going back and forth.
So then what is it meant to be? It’s like I’m always worried this invisible judger is sitting just on the other side of the computer, ready to not hire me or not take me out on a date or something equally ridiculous because of a post I put up here.
I’ve been going to counseling sessions once a week lately. It’s been the best thing I’ve done for myself in a really, really long time. I don’t feel like I’m out of the woods of complete confusion yet, but I’m making progress, and the woods are thinning. The path is still covered in leaves and hard to find but the trek is a little more comfortable. In some ways I feel like I’m waking up parts of myself that have been asleep for a while, there’s a tingle and discomfort to sit through. I surprise myself with feelings or thoughts, like the smile earlier, so uninhibited.
I’m excited for this season. The twinkling lights, Christmas songs, and walks around busy malls. I’m ready for cozy nights by a decorated tree watching Christmas rom coms in sweats.
I still couldn’t tell you where I’m going next if you asked, but I could tell you I’m a little more willing to see, perhaps I’m even excited.