Entries from September 2015

Third Quarter Eval & September Focus Check In

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

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Well, third quarter has come and gone and this is what went down with my goals:

  • Getting myself back on track with money management: Working on this currently. September was a month for not using credit cards at all so that I would only spend what I had, in the month I had it. It’s been going okay, there is a bit of room for improvement, but I’m not borrowing from the next month anymore.
  • Exploring what is essential to me. I did not directly work on this. Though I did start some counseling sessions to help get my mind in focus. I have been searching for help in making sense of all the different ideas and issues I think about, I don’t want to try to wrangle it all by myself anymore.
  • Start a probiotic and getting on a memorable/maintainable schedule with all pills – I started this by deciding on the schedule before I started taking any pills again. I needed two times a day that wouldn’t be challenging, meaning I would be home or be able to stop what I was doing for a second to pop it back and take a swig of water. 8:15 and 9pm became my two times. I needed birth control and a probiotic and they would eventually pair with my twice daily pill. Before I even started taking the pills I set the alarms on my phone and my fitbit. I got use to knowing what the alarms meant before doing anything about them. Then I bought a probiotic, I was a little lost and quick research online didn’t help much so I just went to Whole Foods and asked. I figured starting the habit was the best step forward at this time. Evaluate and reassess later. Started taking that pill and then added my twice daily pills. After I got into a rhythm with those and made sure my stomach wasn’t too angry at me I added my bc.
  • Blogging at least 2 times per week – For the most part I did well on this. I had a couple of weeks where I didn’t post but I have been coming to this space far more consistently and I have also been thinking about what I actually want to post. Answer: still not really sure. I like sharing links that I find, I love collecting and sharing instagram pictures, I sometimes like sharing about where my head is at with life and job hunting and such… so we’ll just see how it goes going forward.
  • Deciding on a GP and getting and going to an appointment – I have an appointment with a GP in October, goodness with the wait… and I had a disappointingly short visit with the dermatologist. It’s not like I wanted them to find something, but I figured it would have been nice for them to look for more than five seconds, maybe pull out a black light or handy tool to make sure my various spots aren’t anything worth worrying about. I mean, really, work for my $69 a little harder please! Or better yet, where can I make $69 for 5 minutes of work?
  • Finding a weekly, social exercise class to be a part of – I started off somewhat strong. I took a couple classes at the pole studio, then I did walks around the neighborhood, then I took a horseback riding lesson… but as of yet nothing has stuck. Still finding my why on that. Also, finding the space for it in my schedule and the money for it in my wallet.

Overall I’m not disappointed in my work on my goals but I also think I am still scattered on what I want to work and focus on moving forward. I find little things to focus on because they sound more fun but I make less progress and don’t feel all that great after the quarter is over, so I think I’ll work on zeroing in a little better for the last quarter of the year. Get myself ready for 2016 and for my 30th birthday! What?! Yeah… thirty.

xoxo

Job Crush /// Jordan Voth

Friday, September 25, 2015

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I am in love with these photos. Normally I stay away from wedding photography because bitterness and spinster life and what not (slightly joking) but every once in a while a set pops up on the Instagram feed that is absolutely undeniable.

This isn’t a post about wedding photography though, this is straight up, hardcore, Job Crushing. This man was paid to go to two of my personal favorite places and take pictures of two people very much in love, during a very beautiful time in their life AND there is a billowing, gorgeous dress. Job Crush /// T Swift talked about a billowing dress too… maybe I just like billowing dresses in the wind.

I imagined these people walking out to these locations already dressed, the time it took, how funny and magical it might have looked to passersby. I also realized afterward that it is possible (and likely with the dress) that they were wearing other things and then had some help discreetly changing. But it doesn’t even matter. Look at these pictures!

So, now that we are two in, what are some similarities? Production, I like a well produced scene. Dress… the clothing, the simple but gorgeous way colors and spaces come together. Gorgeous visuals and storytelling. These things are obviously important to me.

Hmmm clues… clues indeed.

xoxo

Fixed

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Burn out. Burned out. Going through chunks of the day forcing myself to focus, wondering what in the hell I am doing. I feel like I keep pushing with all my body weight but I only get an inch further after hours and hours of exertion. My body isn’t fighting what I need it to fight for several months now. Reason: Stress.

When I start to get burned out I try to find answers and solutions, I try to find where I am putting too much in and getting very little out, I try to find where I could work smarter, not harder. I look outside, at jobs (because I often have more than one), relationships, monetary obligations. I find things to blame and then investigate, is that the truth? Or is that just easier to be frustrated with than whatever the truth is.
I was feeling incredibly burned out this past week month, like don’t-get-me-out-of-bed-but-wait-I-can’t-sleep-anyway kind of burned out. I’ve tapped my resources, I’m coming up just a little over empty. I thought I knew what it was, I poked and prodded at the situation in my mind, I felt justified and fed up. It couldn’t possibly be something in me, look at all that I was doing, making doctors appointments that I had long put off, getting my medications in line, starting probiotics, seeking people in similar situations, finding different options than the dreaded tinder, making plans, reading books, gaining knowledge…it had to be this one thing, right? It just had to be.

And then I was forced to face what I felt so justified against, my scapegoat, the thing I thought was leeching my energy.

I may have been at least partially wrong.

I spent the weekend after asking myself questions, trying to figure out what’s really going on and what I want to be asking for. I had more information, but still not many answers. I made sure to take some more time out, got a shift covered so I could go to a dance class I have been wondering about. I agreed to a date, I allowed myself to look for some clothes to add to my limited wardrobe. I added a little bit of fun.
The dance class was amazing, I went into the date with little expectation (necessary when dealing with dating apps) and was wonderfully surprised, made cinnamon rolls for some fellow workers, and still, after those good things, I found myself burned out again yesterday.
I was having a long conversation with a friend covering many topics I don’t like investigating, a conversation that, to me, highlighted all my broken parts, all the areas I don’t feel sufficient. He was trying to be helpful and offer suggestions and all I could say is, “I’ve already thought of that” and “I’ve done/tried that too.” I was irritable and sad, burned out on myself and how much there seemed to be left to fix. I felt like I’ve been working on changing the way I think for years now, that I’ve been trying to train my brain and wrestle it into submission since I first started battling angst at around 14.
The wrestling, the submission, that’s the burn out. The thinking I need to be fixed and there’s just so much to do…

It needs to stop.

I left my face-in-hand burn out posture and got in my car to go from one job to the next and I thought about the words I was using to describe myself. I had to be “fixed” in order to be happy. How awful is it to feel constantly broken, in need of tweeks and tape.

I’ve been able to pretend from time to time that I don’t think that I need to be fixed anymore, that I am enough, as is, demon/baggage/perfectionism gone. I’ve kept this up for months at a time, usually when I move somewhere new. Byeeee excess baggage, you can stay in whatever city I left. But that’s just another wrestle. The “you are lazy” plays alongside the “you aren’t fulfilling your potential” tape softly in the background, so soft that I don’t even realize it’s there until I find myself staring at a computer screen, forcing myself to work while holding back tears I don’t understand.

I’m tired. I want to work with myself, not against myself. I don’t know how people let themselves off the hook. I’ve tried, I’ve read affirmations, I’ve said affirmations out loud, I’ve talked to people who think I’m pretty decent wonderful, I’ve thought I was pretty decent awesome for hours at a time. But it still in the back ground it softly plays, “time to do some more fixing if you want xyz”.

Despite the burn out I soldier on. My work gets done, I laugh and cry and keep going through the motions. I look for new things to try. Reasons, explanations, and probably quick fixes.

I’ve sat on this post for a while, I don’t want people who are just getting to know me, or who don’t know me at all to think that this is all there is. On the other hand I do want to write my truth, I don’t like pretending that everything is sunshine and roses when it’s really a little gray and tumultuous, and also, I hope that it’s  helpful for other people in 20’s wondering if they are alone in their burn out.
I don’t get to hid behind/escape with alcohol and bar crawls, fancy food and laying out in the sun, my body basically forbids it. I’ve decided that this is prevention for a mid life crisis, that when I really figure out my voice, my needs and wants, and get through the cyclical burnout, that I’ll have made a really incredible foundation for the rest of my life. No red corvette needed.

I need to decide what works for me, and stick to that. Is that a start? Can we call it something other than a fix?

xoxo

Job Crush /// T Swift

Friday, September 18, 2015

As I take time to kick burn out to the curb I’m going to be documenting some types of jobs that make me a little green with envy.

That T.Swift, oh she’s definitely got one.

Not so much the singing, though when I was a kid I did love to sing, but more so the production and creating that she does on a daily basis. Perfume line, greeting cards, the branding around 1989 with Polaroids and red lips.

Her job is to play. Play with words, play with emotions, play with different mediums, dress up in gorgeous dresses and have them billow around her in the wind and then also make out with Scott Eastwood… yeah, not bad.

She makes money fleshing out all the different aspects of her personality. She has a great team helping her create these dreams. That’s some sort of magical.

You go T.Swift. I’ll be basic over you any day.

xoxo

Golden Coast Road Trip

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

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This trip was a whirlwind to say the least. Getting off the plane to light, humidity free sea air, three days home in San Diego saying hi to family, getting meals, spending a night at my favorite country bar, tearing up on the beach at night, and then getting into my rental car to drive up the coast. Stopping in Santa Monica for Pier Burger and some pictures, staying with a friend half way between San Diego and San Francisco, in wine country. Then heading out early to make a pit stop at Montaña de Oro, getting back on the road making slow time to San Francisco. The colorful houses, the Sutro Baths at Land’s End… gorgeous places I hadn’t explored in visits passed.

Then one of my closest/longest friend’s wedding. A beautiful event, catching up with people I haven’t seen in years, a little bit of dancing and some donuts. The last day getting up really, really early to see the Golden Gate Bridge from below, walk around Fisherman’s Wharf before it really started opening up and then going back to the Sutro Baths one last time to make friends with the crabs and walk across the ruins.

Stopping off for some last minute chatting with the new bride and groom and then getting back on a plane to Nashville.

This time was for adventure and celebration, next time will be for catching up.

xoxo

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