Can you believe I’ve been here four whole months? Four months. The days are slipping by and faster than I know it, I will have been here six months. I promised myself at least a year, at least a year in this new space, no matter what the feelings are through month three or seven or even nine. I’m good with that decision still. I’m fine with it and I’m also scared that it’s going so fast, and that I’m not doing enough.
I’ll admit Nashville not what I expected it to be. When I first moved here I expected lots of country music everywhere, cowboy boots, baseball caps and big trucks with single guys my age driving around. Thinking about it now, I am a bit embarrassed to admit I expected Nashville to be something out of a Luke Bryan or Jason Aldean party song.
Even more important, or maybe the real issue: my life, (which happens to be) in Nashville, is not what I expected it to be. I had some pretty grand schemes and life overhauls in mind when I dreamed of this place. Blank slates are so enticing and Nashville promised the blankest.
Sometimes I forget that it’s my job to sweep myself off my feet. I get tired or frustrated or I take a look at the ex’s instagram page and see a tiny snapshot of his life and make these grand assumptions of how he’s doing so much better than me, so much better without me.
But that’s no fault of Nashville. And for the most part I’ve done a really good job of not holding anything against this new home of mine. Nashville has done it’s part to be the best it can be of itself.
Nashville wasn’t the only variable when I moved. I didn’t just move to Nashville as others generally do. I didn’t have a job, friends or lover here. I started from scratch. I moved to Nashville with a need to do some serious digging into who I am and what I want for my future. I moved to Nashville after my first long relationship ended with a heart still processing. I moved to Nashville with very few plans and oh so many hopes.
What I am trying to say is: Nashville is a place, and it has some great things I have yet to explore. And I am in this really messy part of my life, messy because there’s just so much I’m thinking about, so many variables and aspects of my life to grow, and I am having a hard time defining and focusing, or believing I can define and focus. But I’m here, and I’m doing it. I’m pushing through the pressure between the temples, I’m asking the questions over and over and when I have no answers, nothing I feel proud of, I’m still here. I am here in Nashville and I’m working two opposite schedules and not getting to see much, but I am making an effort. I’m here, and it’s four months in, and I’m hoping at 8 months my story will look a little different. I’m working to make my view, 8 months in, a little different.
But right now, I’m here, as is, and I have no regrets. My life feels nothing close to fairy tale perfect, and I find myself frustrated more than joyful, but I truly believe that I made the right choice moving here.
Nothing is ever as I expect. I must be my own Prince Charming. Nashville will be the venue in which I sweep myself off my feet.