Entries from March 2014

Changing My Perspective

Sunday, March 30, 2014

jump for joyFriday morning I decided to conduct a quarterly review. More on the actual review later, but for now I want to talk about perception. Because before I put pen to paper, when I was thinking first about goals for next quarter, I thought I hadn’t accomplished much during the first. I figured second quarter I could make up for what I lacked in the first and I’d figure it out from there.

Imagine my surprise when the first question was: What went well? And I had things flying from the pen to the page. I thought I would list maybe 3 or 4, but I kept remembering more. Oh yeah, I completed my goal of going to Palm Springs for my birthday AND I had my wonderful guy by my side, I not only signed up for the gym, but I started going on hikes with my guy and being so much more active than I have been in a really long time. Old Corey would NEVER have suggested a hike as something she wanted to do with her weekend. Unless it was at Torrey Pines but that didn’t happen often in the past.

As I was writing these things down, and more and more just kept coming to mind, I wondered why I was feeling so far behind. Why I have been feeling so unsuccessful lately. I had been feeling like I was failing in exercising because I didn’t go to the gym three times  (I ended up doing just that AND taking a yoga class AND a pole dance class this week… so, no failing here) and because I haven’t woken up early enough to go to the gym before work and because I hadn’t gone through all the machines yet. There were just so many reasons why I wasn’t doing enough and I needed to do more. And that’s not just with exercise.

I recently took on the habit of flossing. My metaphorical dentist is finally breathing a sigh of relief. And I started my flossing habit at night, and then I realized that at night I get kind of tired and want as little in my routine as possible before bed, so I switched to morning. And I’ve been really good, but still I wonder if I shouldn’t be flossing two times a day or if night would be better so things don’t just stay between my teeth for 8 hours…

When I got to the end of my list of things that had gone well in the first quarter I took a second to really think about what I wanted out of the second. I thought I wanted my second quarter to be a list of things to complete, boxes to check off. But I realized that if I continued making my goals this way, I would continue focusing on what wasn’t being done and how I was failing.

I realized in doing this quarterly review that I need a perspective shift, I need a new angle. I need to enjoy. Enjoy life, enjoy the times not checking something off of my list, enjoy breathing and being and having fun. I go through periods of my life where I forget to have fun. Where it all becomes about checking things off my list and somehow feeling successful.

But if that’s all I focus on, if I don’t take time to enjoy my wins, big and small, if I don’t take time to enjoy, and laugh and not take things so frickin seriously, then I’ll just have a list of checked off tasks and I’ll be sitting on the brink of the next quarter wondering why I don’t feel like anything has changed.

I’m not 100% sure on the solution, but I know it’s going to have to be grounded in gratitude. There’s going to need to be more time for fun. And my language about my projects is going to have to change. Instead of having to go to the gym, I get to go to the gym. I get to work out and feel stronger which is a big goal of mine. I GET to. Not I HAVE to.

I get to work on my blanket that I’ve been crocheting. I don’t have to. No one is paying me to make that thing, it’s purely for my entertainment. But I rarely feel entertained when I think about it.

It’s time for a mind shift, back to gratitude, back to celebration of wins big and small. It’s time to enjoy it, whatever it may be. Take it in and enjoy it.

xoxo

photo credit: __MaRiNa__ via photopin cc

Lovely Links

Monday, March 24, 2014

colors and feet_2

 

It seems I’ve been hoarding links. I’ll stop now and share.

enjoy.

I want my life to be full of words like, “build,” “strength,” and “power.” I want my life to be about more, not less. /// Women’s magazine covers frequently use terms like “drop X pounds fast!” and “calorie-torching workout!” and “low-calorie foods”. Men’s magazines use keywords like “build“, “power“, and “strength.” 

I would like to make /// Homemade Nutella, delicious asparagus, healthy chocolate banana shake

Letting Go

Monday, March 24, 2014

let go

This is not a post about how to let go. I still don’t know how. Sometimes I sit and hope and even pray that I can just let go, let go of things that don’t matter, thoughts that don’t matter, worries… that don’t matter.
I search my mind for strength, for answers, for ways to let go, to stop feeling negative emotions towards people I feel have wronged me.

I sit and stew in my hurt. I justify my anger because what they did was wrong, and they should answer for it, or at least admit it. Admit that they were wrong, that they hurt me, and I shouldn’t have been hurt.

It’s like I’ve never hurt someone before, that I’ve never done wrong. But then I justify, saying that if someone calls me out, I’m usually willing to see what they are saying, I am quite often willing to apologize if I can see where they are coming from. I try, day in and day out, to see where others are coming from.

I’ve been trying harder lately, when a person speeds by me on the freeway and scares the poop out of me, it takes me a second to quiet the insults I want to throw their way, and I may even have to put a choice finger back in it’s place (the gesture always hidden out of sight, more for me than the person who annoyed me) but I try to think of a reason for their recklessness or their speed. I try to think of mistakes I’ve made or times I really felt I had to be somewhere. If someone is weaving in and out of traffic I take a second to just hope that they are getting back to their pregnant wife or that they need to get to the hospital fast.

Back to letting go. I know that worrying about others, or hating others, is just giving people space in my mind rent free. I know that I will feel lighter when these people don’t affect me anymore, but I don’t know how to get there. I stare at freedom, at weightlessness, and feel like there’s a thick glass wall keeping me from it. I stand there, looking through, and then looking back on my side, searching for something to shatter the glass.

I’ve read books and articles, some say, just decide it’s not going to bother you anymore. So I do. And for a minute or a day or even a month it works. But then there’s a reminder. I cross paths with the person or someone mentions their name and the emotions come back. I spend car rides in imaginary arguments with them, almost pleading for them to agree that what they did to me was wrong.

Or I think of ways that seem to work better, thinking of how I might act if we are in the same place at the same time again. Will I act cool, will I be nice? But all possibilities come back to me trying to figure out what will sting them the most. I don’t know a lot about letting go, but I know that’s not it. I sit and wonder what I want to walk away from the theoretical situation feeling like, so I can be prepared for if it ever happens. But I’m not sure there is a great way to feel.

Some people say to be gracious and grateful to those who have hurt you. Repeatedly think kind thoughts, wish them well with no consequences until you believe it. They say to find the good in the bad situations, find what you learned and thank them for it, maybe not to their face, but put that gratitude into the universe. I’ve been able to find silver linings, but still, if I saw the people again, I am not sure maturity is something that I could hold on to.

Some say to write your failures, your regrets or the situations that caused you pain on a piece of paper, and then set it on fire. Let your worries turn to ashes. I like actions of symbolism, but I know my worries wouldn’t be gone.

So what then?

Some say leave it to God, or the Universe, or whatever you believe in. Take the weight off your shoulders and give it away. I want to do that, I start to do it, but I keep taking it back. Maybe the weight is a comfort.

I try to figure out what bothers me the most about these people. Is it that they hurt me? Is it that I think that justice has not been served? Would yelling at them make me feel better? Would them agreeing to the pain they inflicted really give me closure. I don’t think so.

So I’m left searching.

Searching for a way to let go. Of the pain, of the bitterness. I won’t let go of everything though. There are always lessons to be learned if you want to find them. And those I will learn to hold on to.

Have you found a way to let go?

I wrote this post months ago, when I was faced with seeing someone I hadn’t seen in almost 9 months. And I was still angry, still hurt, still feeling a bit like a victim in the whole situation. But I also knew the year was coming to a close and if at all possible I wanted to be able  to wrap up any time around this person. So I partook in an activity where we would have to interact. When I arrived I sat in my car, still stewing and wondering what I would do. I wouldn’t make reference to our previous time together, I wouldn’t give too much. And then the event started, and things weren’t so bad. The other spoke highly of me to those around us and acted as if no time had passed. It was the best possible way. And as I got to my car, and then drove away I took a look inside, maybe to find some of that anger, and I was surprised to find none at all. In those two hours my subconscious has let go. The past was the past, we were both avid participants in the unfortunate experiences. We were also both avid participants in the good that happened during the same time. I left with most of it let go. And now, three months after that, I can say that that person was a part of my life in a time of my life that was the hardest I’ve had to go through yet, but as much as I can blame them for making a mess, I could also thank them for adding smiles. So, it evens out. And somehow I let go.
xoxo

photo credit: demandaj via photopin cc

Palm Springs Birthday

Sunday, March 23, 2014

palm springs birthday 2014

Two weeks ago today Dan and I embarked on the perfect birthday vacation. I’ve been dreaming about a Palm Springs getaway as a birthday treat for a couple years now, and this year, I made it happen. No more waiting until the last minute, I booked my hotel a month and a half in advance and scoured blogs and yelp for things to do and see.

We went to:
Calico Mining Town
Pioneer TownThe Ace Hotel
Cabazon Dino lot
Idyllwild
as well as a few food places that weren’t worth much

My main focus on this trip was to relax and take some pictures. I accomplished both with great success. I love birthdays.

I think it should also be noted that I was spoiled rotten again by my family and Dan which is something I never ever want to stop being grateful for. Dan brought me a balloon and gave me plugs and an awesome necklace, my parents took us to dinner and because I have two families I had two birthday dinners… and I also had a birthday lunch at work. This year took the cake (punny) for birthdays.

xoxo

 

Sometimes Sweet Journal Day #5

Friday, March 21, 2014

wake up

Obviously I’m not going in order with these and I may not answer a couple of them, I might not even answer 2-4, I haven’t decided yet. But I like this one a lot so here I go, Journal Prompt #5

We all encounter challenges on a daily basis. You may consider yours something small, like having enough time in the day to accomplish everything you set out to do, or it may be a bit bigger- perhaps something you have to overcome mentally or emotionally, or even a struggle when dealing with a difficult person. Whatever the case, take a look at your daily life- what would you say is your biggest challenge? Or if you have a past struggle you were able to overcome, how did you do it? This week, write about a challenge you currently deal with on a day to day basis, or discuss one you managed to get past.

My most recent challenge I encounter on a daily basis is what to do with my morning time. I use to wake up about 30 minutes before I had to be out the door for work. That time would stretch to 45 and, don’t worry, I would still show up to work on time, but my morning reading in the car in the parking lot outside of work would be jeopordized.

This 30 minute rush around, or lazy eyeliner, mascara, hair up and some clothes but no hair curling or eye shadow or breakfast (take dry oatmeal to office and cook/eat there) was a result of going to bed too late and just not wanting to wake up the next morning.

I’ve since been waking up earlier and earlier. I started hitting the snooze button less… now 2 times instead of 4+. Then I started setting my alarm for an earlier time so those two snoozes would still have me up earlier. Now, most mornings I have time to write morning pages (which I highly suggest) and then sometimes I also have time to do my normal fast routine plus a hair curling.

Eventually, the challenge will be to get a morning routine complete with breakfast, morning pages and a workout. I have a few things that are getting in the way, mostly my brain, but also I have a hard time getting to bed early enough. 10:00 soon becomes 10:30 when I’m reading and then it’s 11:00 and I’m thinking oh shit, time for sleep. I don’t know how to be more strict with my bedtime, so that’s something to work on. Another is the time between eating in the morning and getting to the gym, do I eat a small snack and then go work out? Is that enough fuel? I don’t want to eat a normal breakfast and then go work out and hurt. And lastly, do I get myself ready for work at the gym or at home? The gym is maybe 7 minutes (on a bad traffic light day) from my house.

This may not actually be my biggest challenge currently, figuring out what the next path in my life probably is, but it’s one that I have been able to break down into steps that are easier to figure out.

xoxo

photo credit: drubuntu via photopin cc

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