Today I spent most of the morning and the beginning of the afternoon lazing around in bed. I will not lie, I did a lot of the same yesterday. I have work at night so the day is spent trying to figure out what to do and inevitably being tempted back to a nap or a book under the fan in my room.
Today I shifted some money around in the bank accounts, I wrote down next week’s schedule, made some decisions on plans for days or afternoons off, I checked in with one of my sister’s, finished a book and ate some triscuits with nutella.
I also perused some blogs, and I made the effort to figure out a little camera I’ve had sitting around for a long time but just for looks.
I have had flashes of inspiration to write lately, but not a steady flow. So today, after reading one specific post, when the inspiration struck again I decided putting make up on could wait. I wanted to share what’s being going on around here.
In the last week I came back from an awesome and somewhat challenging trip, I’ve longed to revisit the beaches I saw, I made plans to go back up to Malibu and see some beaches I skipped on my way back down. I also have gone back to work, made some decent money which quieted some worries. I have had a few anxiety ridden moments in the night, slept with a light on, slept with a light off and always had the fan on. It’s quite warm here. My room is the coolest in the house early in the day but by afternoon it’s warmed up and movement is laborious.
This week I have found myself in the throes of conversation with two internet jerks. I have talked myself down from fury at a person I use to consider a friend, I’ve debated, talked through, gotten over and then sank back into feeling that don’t serve me.
This week, and really, all weeks, I have gone from hope to desperation when thinking about my future and what I should do. I have written lists, looked at those lists, looked for more things to add to them, marveled at all that I have yet to see or experience and then wondered almost desperately, how I’m ever going to feel or see many of these things.
And that’s where I am at now. Not knowing how to get out of this, not knowing where to move next. What do I do to get a better job, what do I do to get out of this mind torture? What do I do, who do I ask, where do I go?
I want my future to have posts similar to this one, Elise, a new mama and her overflow of feelings so real. I want a job like that of the lovely ladies of A Beautiful Mess. I know that no one’s life is perfect, that these pretty pictures posted are just parts of the whole, but I also know they are loving their lives. Loving them and living them fully. How do I do that? Sometimes, when people tell me I’m smart, I feel so dumb, I think they are wrong, because I have been having trouble all these years getting my brain to figure out what should be a simple thing.
How do I live bigger? How do I find a place to make money in a way that in overall enjoyable? How do I add more joy to every day?
Yesterday I swam for the first time in years, last week I went on a trip, the week before I bungee jumped. I hope these things are a good start. I hope I can find more moments of faith in this brain, I hope I can grow the time I do believe, the times that I have faith in myself, the times that I believe I deserve the things I want. That’s the hardest part, believe that I deserve any of it. Sometime I just have to sit and tell myself “I am enough” over and over again until everything loses meaning. Then the anxiety goes away for a second.