Entries from June 2013

A Different Kind of Currently

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Today I spent most of the morning and the beginning of the afternoon lazing around in bed. I will not lie, I did a lot of the same yesterday. I have work at night so the day is spent trying to figure out what to do and inevitably being tempted back to a nap or a book under the fan in my room.

Today I shifted some money around in the bank accounts, I wrote down next week’s schedule, made some decisions on plans for days or afternoons off, I checked in with one of my sister’s, finished a book and ate some triscuits with nutella.
I also perused some blogs, and I made the effort to figure out a little camera I’ve had sitting around for a long time but just for looks.

I have had flashes of inspiration to write lately, but not a steady flow. So today, after reading one specific post, when the inspiration struck again I decided putting make up on could wait. I wanted to share what’s being going on around here.

In the last week I came back from an awesome and somewhat challenging trip, I’ve longed to revisit the beaches I saw, I made plans to go back up to Malibu and see some beaches I skipped on my way back down. I also have gone back to work, made some decent money which quieted some worries. I have had a few anxiety ridden moments in the night, slept with a light on, slept with a light off and always had the fan on. It’s quite warm here. My room is the coolest in the house early in the day but by afternoon it’s warmed up and movement is laborious.

This week I have found myself in the throes of conversation with two internet jerks. I have talked myself down from fury at a person I use to consider a friend, I’ve debated, talked through, gotten over and then sank back into feeling that don’t serve me.

This week, and really, all weeks, I have gone from hope to desperation when thinking about my future and what I should do. I have written lists, looked at those lists, looked for more things to add to them, marveled at all that I have yet to see or experience and then wondered almost desperately, how I’m ever going to feel or see many of these things.

And that’s where I am at now. Not knowing how to get out of this, not knowing where to move next. What do I do to get a better job, what do I do to get out of this mind torture? What do I do, who do I ask, where do I go?

I want my future to have posts similar to this one, Elise, a new mama and her overflow of feelings so real. I want a job like that of the lovely ladies of A Beautiful Mess. I know that no one’s life is perfect, that these pretty pictures posted are just parts of the whole, but I also know they are loving their lives. Loving them and living them fully. How do I do that? Sometimes, when people tell me I’m smart, I feel so dumb, I think they are wrong, because I have been having trouble all these years getting my brain to figure out what should be a simple thing.

How do I live bigger? How do I find a place to make money in a way that in overall enjoyable? How do I add more joy to every day?

Yesterday I swam for the first time in years, last week I went on a trip, the week before I bungee jumped. I hope these things are a good start. I hope I can find more moments of faith in this brain, I hope I can grow the time I do believe, the times that I have faith in myself, the times that I believe I deserve the things I want. That’s the hardest part, believe that I deserve any of it. Sometime I just have to sit and tell myself “I am enough” over and over again until everything loses meaning. Then the anxiety goes away for a second.


Driving the Golden Coast

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I mentioned before that I was embarking on a short journey, that I was doing something that scared me. And I did. If you follow my instagram or twitter feed you may have seen some pictures from my trip already, you may have heard about how my best laid plans cracked and needed some repairs, you may have also heard/read/seen that my car battery went to poop the first day in. Darn that grapevine!

You may have also seen that I kept going, that while LA traffic had me ready to turn around and go home and spend the weekend in bed, I didn’t. I’m not saying that’s a feat on my part, I’m just saying these were thoughts and things that happened.

I kept reminding myself, when something would feel off or when it felt like all was lost, that there was something to gain, and my natural reaction is to give in and go home, using the excuse that it’s “a sign” that I shouldn’t be doing whatever I am doing, was just my brain being scared. A book I’ve been reading lately has made me starting to think otherwise when I feel like I’m getting a sign to stop. It’s got me thinking, maybe, when things get a little crazy and plans get muddled, it’s not because it shouldn’t be happening, but because I have to push through and figure out it’s worth it despite it all. The extra night in a hotel and a new battery in the car, and 4 hours wasted in a city I never planned on being in waiting for said battery, were okay, they were just small prices to pay for seeing my friends and taking two days to get back down the coast.

The trip was worth it despite the anxiety and frustration of the first day and a half. I had to get through the rough spots, I had to get past my brain’s natural defenses to the new. I had to keep pushing and what I was rewarded with after I kept pushing was all that mattered.

In the next few days I’ll post the pictures I took of the places I went. I had quite an adventure and am so glad I went.

Now that I’m back to reality the stressors of real life are back but I’m going to try and incorporate more adventures into my months. Because when I was driving down the 101 stopping whenever and where ever I wanted, I felt free, and alive. I believed through and through that every day is a gift. I want to feel those emotions as much as possible.


Let the Adventure Begin

Friday, June 21, 2013

Today I embark on a little adventure. Today I do a little more of what scares me. Today I start out to see a little more of this gorgeous state I live in. 
I’m taking a road trip, a long awaited road trip up the coast, I’ll stop at some beaches, I’ll visit a couple towns I’ve never seen before. I’ll end up in a city/town an hour out from San Francisco to see someone I haven’t seen in almost a year, someone I know mostly through lettered conversations. 
Tomorrow we’ll go to Warped Tour close to SF. We’ll walk around in the hot sun, listen to good music, and see people with “free hugs” written all over their body in paint.
Sunday who knows, maybe some time in the city, maybe seeing a friend from the Barnes and Noble days, maybe some adventuring to film stores and Amoeba records. 
And Monday? That’s the first day back down the coast, that’s the first part of the real coastal view. A night stay in San Luis Obispo or Pismo Beach may be in order. 
Tuesday will be the slow roll down the second half, back towards home. 
Wednesday it will be back to the norm. 
But before then pictures will be taken, the lady rebel will be set in RAW with a new memory card, and when I come back I’ll have to learn in order to get the most of my images. Film will be in one camera, polaroid packs will be purchased. The phone will probably end up catching a lot, Vines might be produced, thoughts will be tweeted, but a computer will not come along. 
Today I do something that scares me a little. Today I take a drive. 

Something to Remember: Do Something That Scares You

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Yesterday found me at the fair with a group of friends from work. While I love the fair and have many pictures, this post isn’t going to be about that. It’s about one specific thing that I did at the fair, something I have been meaning to do for years. A cross off the bucket list if you will.

Yesterday I bungee jumped, and I’m am so much happier than I ever could have imagined, that I did.

I didn’t think it would be anything more than a roller coaster ride, that it would be scary, but something I could totally handle. And for the most part I did. But it didn’t go like I imagined.

There were a couple times throughout the day when I was given opportunities to chicken out, times where I could have done things that would have made jumping a bad idea, like eating fair food. I didn’t do these things, I was tempted, but I didn’t. Eyes on the prize.

I want to say that I wasn’t scared, that I wasn’t ready to chicken out, but I was. Totally. I was aggravated because I wanted to get it done and over with early in the day but things kept happening and people kept wanting to go all over the place (such is the case when you have 8+ people in your group) and I hadn’t eaten for a while so I was DEFINITELY in a grumpy mood when I finally walked up to the table to sign my life away on those papers.

I signed up, a guy put a wristband on, then I got on a scale and a number was written on my hand. At this point my grumpiness dissolved… Thoughts of what the heck was I doing?! and Well, money is paid, can’t back out now, replaced it.

One of the lovely ladies from the group and I walked back to our chairs, I took this picture of someone else going up in the little cage, I started getting hyper, but scared hyper, we were told to put our phones away and tuck everything in our bags, take off our shoes and put the harness on like a pair of shorts. We then got the ankle straps and were moved along in the line.
Pretty soon we were standing on numbers marked in tape on the boarding rugs… then we were watching other people do their jump.
I was dancing to the music playing because my nervous energy needed to go somewhere, my companion in lunacy was laughing and saying she couldn’t breathe.

Then it was time for us to go up in the cage. I was the last to jump. This means I got to ride in that cart up and down twice, I got to see the height TWICE before it was my turn to step outside the little door.

My partner in crime went, it took her a second, she’s done it 3 times and still, she had to take a second. But she went, screaming and laughing.

I stayed calm, I may have even flirted with the guy taking us up… okay, so I did. He was cute and I needed a distraction. He seemed more than slightly bored when we first went up, but sometimes I can warm people up, and I think I made it a little less monotonous for him, maybe even for a second.
Back we go down to the ground.

Time for me to get my bungee connected, time for me to say hi to the person taking the video, time for us to head back to the top. I feel the nerves again while typing this, I am back there.

We get to the desired height, I step outside of the little door and I freak. Not outwardly, I don’t know how to freak out outwardly unless really mad, but inwardly the survival part of my brain turned on so fast. I held on tight to the handles and as he said one two three my brain said no way. I told him we had to count again… he said look ahead, look at the flag at the top of the other building, so I did, and on three (maybe a silent 4) I let go, and fell, arms wide.

The first second was my eyes closed, the second was me screaming. It’s what I’ve always done when I feel stomach drops like those on roller coasters. It releases something. I also laugh. I might have gotten that part from my dad.

After the bounces up and down, after grabbing on to the rope by my feet, after being caught by the strong man on the ground and sat down in a chair, I looked dazed. They even said so. I was. There was no explaining the different feelings going through not only my mind and my body. Exhilaration definitely, gratitude for coming out alive, absolutely… wonder, no doubt. I was still shaking a little as I went to put my shoes back on. I was still dazed, still not sure what I was feeling.

Eventually I managed to get my shoes back on and join my friends.

Now that I’ve done it I totally understand my friend’s nerves. It’s not something you get use to. I don’t know how you could ever get use to looking down a hundred feet or more, and let yourself fall, without having the lizard brain have something to say. Was it worth it? More than I ever thought.

I learned, again, maybe more so than ever before, why it’s so important to do things that scare you. I felt so many things, so many things I wanted to feel. I watched myself, I saw my reactions, I saw myself trying to talk my way out of it, I saw my body’s last ditch attempt to get me back on the ground the reasonable way (a spurt of nausea)… and after all of this I felt glee, uncontrolled giddiness, excitement and shock even. Lizard brain probably had a part in the daze afterward, the “oh my gosh, we survived that” was there.

Terrifying. Exhilirating. Worth it.

That’s what it is to do something that scares you. That’s what it is to me anyway. Terrifying, grumpiness inducing, excuse producing anxiety. But excitement too. Up until the very last second my brain was trying to talk me out of it, but where would that have gotten me? On the ground, feeling the same, if not disappointed. Yes, the whiplash could have hurt (but it didn’t), something could have happened (but it didn’t), I could have asked to be taken back down (but I didn’t) and I’m left with one frickin awesome memory.

I want to remember this when facing anything that scares me. I want to remember when I’m on the outside of the gate, and the count begins, I want to remember that fear might try to hold me back, but that’s when it’s time to push forward. Do something that scares me. And it doesn’t have to be jumping from heights with a large rubber band holding me, it doesn’t have to be skydiving or moving to a different country, it can be small too, it can be talking to that stranger, or taking the picture that will have people staring for a second because I’m in their way, or applying for a new job. It can be big or small, but if it scares me, there’s something to explore.

I’m not sure if I can find something to scare myself with every day, but I’m going to make it a priority to do something that scares me far more frequently. The benefits are just undeniable.

Every time I think of that point, standing on the outside, eyes pointed at the flag at the top of a far building, night sky dark but highlighted with fair lights, I feel alive. I can’t wait to create more memories like that.


Book Report: I Am the Messenger

Thursday, June 20, 2013

“I love the laughter of this night.
Our footsteps run, and I don’t want them to end. I want to run and laugh and feel like this is forever. I want to avoid any awkward moment when the realness of reality sticks its fork into our flesh, leaving us standing there, together. I want to stay here in this moment, and never go to other places, where we don’t know what to say or what to do. 
For now, just let us run.
We run straight through the laughter of the night.”

I Am the Messenger… where do I start talking about this book. It’s not an instant favorite. It was, all the way up until the end. Then there’s a twist that I did not like one bit. But the rest of the book was great, there were parts like the one above that I could just live in. The relationship he has with his female best friend, the dog that smells to high heaven with the name of The Doorman, his best friends and their defense mechanisms… all of this book, up until the end had me. And I’ll keep it around, with post it notes on certain pages, for certain passages, because they were what I was looking for when I picked this book up.

Do I recommend the book? I do, despite how frustrated I was with the ending, I recommend this book.

I DEFINITELY recommend this author’s other book, The Book Thief, (I wrote about it here) that is definitely an all time favorite book of mine.

Do you have books like this, that you connected with until suddenly one thing went wrong and you felt a little less engaged? Do you still recommend them to some people that you think would be okay with what you hated?


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