1. What do you know to be true, unquestionably beyond doubt, certain with every cell of your being, completely, passionately, righteously certain?
That my parents and family love me. That my friends like me and I’m starting to understand why. I believe in not taking peoples’ choices away from them… I believe in safe sex, smart decision making and having fun. I believe that there is beauty in the tasks and chores that people call the everyday. I believe in the ocean and in this system we call nature. I believe in simple beauty. I believe in love though I want to claim realism so that I don’t get hurt when it doesn’t happen as frequently as I want it to. I believe in no regrets but also taking time to think things through from time to time. I believe in enjoying this one life and not getting caught in a job or a relationship or a cycle that isn’t healthy or fruitful. I believe in so many things.
2. What was the dumbest thing you used to believe in? What changed your mind?
That I was ugly and dumb. I can’t prove that I am or am not either. There are people that would agree or disagree either way. Good grades could prove to some I am smart, but other life decisions could have people thinking I wasn’t so smart.
It’s all a matter of perception and choice. Some of the seemingly smartest people make very dumb decisions and never enjoy life. Some of the most beautiful people (named in our society) aren’t content and don’t believe what the masses are saying.
There are still days I feel incredibly dumb and there are days where I look in the mirror and wonder how I could ever have thought myself to be ugly. But it’s not permanent, these feelings and assumptions. It’s not important if I am smart or dumb, what’s important to me is I live this life and don’t let it pass me by like I have before, that I appreciate and work toward new things and learn… and if I’m really lucky…find someone who will love me as I love them… what else? It’s important that I find a way to support myself and follow my passions. That doesn’t necessarily take smarts, it takes courage and drive.
3. What do you know the most about?
Probably myself. I don’t feel like I know more than a common amount about anything else.
4. Why do you do what you do?
Why do I read? Because I like stories, I like learning about people and different kinds of situations and relationships. I like happy endings. I do read stories that don’t have happy endings, but sometimes I do need them.
I write this blog because it feels right, because I like creating these posts, I like putting pictures up… is that self important? Vain? I really don’t know, I struggle with that thought a lot. But then I also really enjoy others blogs and don’t think them vain at all. Documenting our lives, telling stories, we’ve been doing it as a species for years, clearly not this down to the moment, but cave drawings, home videos. They are a fantastic thing, especially for people like me who likes to find beauty in the everyday.
5. One word: breakthrough. What comes to mind?
Breaking through a brick wall. A moment of brilliant inspiration. I use to think I needed an epiphany, just one and I would work through everything and be on the track to brilliance but it kept not happening. I would read books and like what they said and told myself to remember these things when life felt hard but something would happen and I would need another book.
Recently I found this book (this exact one) and I decided that it would just have to stick, I would read it over and over again. And I did buy another one, and it was similar but it made me think about a different aspect of my life, and for some reason things started to stick, but it wasn’t at all once… and it still isn’t brilliant and I’m not owning at everything but my life is pretty darn decent and I’m appreciating what I have and taking time to figure out what I want. Can a breakthrough be getting through a brick wall with a spoon, tiny bits at a time over years?
6. What has been one of your most memorable experiences in your career?
Daphne Loves Derby. I use to work at an all ages venue. At that venue I booked local shows. One day I went on a hunch and answered a girl that wanted to get a band from out of state to play. I took a chance and it ended up going really well. The capacity of the venue was a little over 500 and we sold around 300. Later the band got an agent for shows and the agent tried to get them to go to a different venue but they insisted they go with mine, because I had booked them before.
I feel a little strange keeping that as my greatest achievement… things went down at the venue and I didn’t feel right about it and then there was juggling another job and full credits at school… excuses really, things to distract from the feelings I had there but it’s still not something I want to go into, at least not on a blog.
But anyway, regardless of what happened later hearing that they sold that many tickets was such a great moment in my life. I was so amazed.
7. What global policy, credo, practice, or law would you like to decree?
Don’t say sorry unless you really mean it.
8. What experience tested your mettle but made you a better person?
I’m not sure I’ve had one yet. Moving to Portland, moving back from Portland, living back at home at an age I feel is unacceptable.
Learning that the guy I dated for two months had been doing heroin the whole time we were together. It’s not like I was around it but it took many, many months, maybe even a year or so for me not to feel absolutely horrible about myself in the whole thing.
Getting hit with a serious bout of anxiety and depression during my last year and a half of college (probably because it was the last year and a half of college) and finding ways to work with it and then finding ways to work through it after, getting on medication and most recently getting off of it… and it’s going great. I guess that would test a person’s mettle. I’ll take it as an example!
9. Finish the sentence: “It’s a good day when…”
It’s a good day when I’ve woken up refreshed, had a healthy and light breakfast, had some time to read and write… when I’ve spent time with friends participating in good conversation, walking around town, taking pictures and enjoying simplicity.
It’s a good day when I’ve done something to feel accomplished, when I’ve felt wanted or needed. When I’ve felt usefull.
It’s a good day when I’ve laughed until I’ve cried, when I’ve made a new friend that I instantly connect with or I’ve found a new favorite place.
It’s a good day when I wake up and the sun is shining and I have a place to go that I’m excited about, or when I wake up and it’s raining and I get to stay in bed a little longer.
10. When was the last time you thought, “Yes! That person has so got it going on!”?
Reading certain blogs, like Life as an Artispreneur. Definitely. She’s honest and upfront in her blog and I love it.
11. What question in your life has had the biggest impact on you?
What am I going to do with my life that will support me? That question stops me in my tracks, makes me cry at night, gives me anxiety attacks…
I’m not as scared right now, I’ve managed to find a way to support myself working three jobs… three part time jobs, I’m not breaking my back here. But there is definitely a “what’s next” in the back of my mind… what do I WANT to be next more specifically, because I finally feel like I have control, like I make choices everyday and I’m mostly happy with the outcome of those choices. Like I can do this… I can figure it out. The basics are set, I can do them… so what’s next?
12. What are you positively addicted to?
After looking up the definition and criteria for positive addiction I have come to the conclusion that I do not have one. Maybe reading. Reading is the only thing I can think of that I don’t badger myself about, can do by myself, usually feel good about, and spend 30 minutes to an hour on a day.
Photography, learning new things, self help blogs and books… meeting new, awesome people. Getting into good conversations.
13. What is the best advice you were ever given in terms of business?
You can want anything as long as you are willing to give enough for it.
14. What’s the most common life advice that you give to your friends?
use a condom.
talk it out.
if it’s worth it, you’ll make time for it.
15. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word devotion?
Love, adoration… never giving up, loyalty.
16. What are you most interested in?
Not being a pathetic loser. The crossed out answer… that’s how I am during those dark days (months). Right now I can’t imagine feeling that way about myself but I’m not so cocky that I think it could never happen again. Nonetheless, I feel a lot better about myself today and I can answer this a little more fully.
I am interested in making people feel good, but not temporarily. Like, teaching them something that makes their life a little easier on the hard days. I am interested in reading and learning and photography. Capturing moments, taking it in.
17. What are you incredibly grateful for?
SO. MANY. THINGS.
The ocean, my family, the fact that molecules came together and made me, pretty nail polish, the feeling of cotton, a warm blanket on a cool night, cuddles, emotions (even the not so good ones), my eyes to see with, my brain to take it all in with, my friends, my mind, clean water to drink, being able to see the ocean for my lunch break 3 days a week, having a job (or three), food, specifically french toast right now I wish I had some, a body that works and is for the most part healthy, living in a place where I can express myself without fear of death or torture… I’m thankful for my cat and dog and the nutty things they do. I’m grateful for a good song that sends chills down my spin, or one that just makes me want to dance…
I’m grateful for a lot. I have a lot to be grateful for. I am very blessed.
18. What’s your form of service to the world?
If only I knew. I really, really want to know.