Entries from May 2012

Between the Lines: Reading Lolita In Tehran

Thursday, May 31, 2012

The first time I read this book was on the plane going to San Francisco. I don’t know which trip it was, if I was coming from San Diego or from Portland, but I know that there were so many parts of the book that I was underlining that the gentleman sitting next to me looked over and asked if I was reading the book for school. I told him I wasn’t and he seemed a little perplexed. Why would a girl be marking up a book so ferociously if it wasn’t for school?
For pure enjoyment.
I went through several moves with the book and finally, the last time I moved to Portland I gave my copy, pen marks and all, away because I thought I wouldn’t ever read it again.
Fast forward to a couple of months ago, making a new friend through a blog program I did, and she was talking about how she was getting rid of her copy because she just couldn’t get through it. I jumped at the chance to take it off her hands and so, when it came in the mail I read it again.
The book didn’t disappoint the second time around. It was just as beautiful and I marked the pages again, sometimes with pencil, sometimes with pen. 
While there were many parts I loved the following quotation has some relevance to my life right now. Definitely not to such a serious extent as that which is discussed in the book, but something I can relate to none the less.

Dancing with your jailer, participating in your own execution, that is an act of utmost brutality.

xoxo

Memory Lane: Old Town

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

As mentioned in a previous post, I started a Meet Up group a couple of months ago. For our second walk around I chose Old Town. At first I couldn’t think of a specific place to meet but then I decided to search for a random landmark in the middle and go from there. So Johnson House it was. I never even went in the Johnson House but we did walk around the circle of the old style store fronts. 

Once we did a tour of that area and found all that we wanted to take pictures of I led the group to where I thought one of my childhood houses was. I was so right on the dot! I had NO IDEA when I was little that I had lived right in the middle of Old Town. How crazy is that? I mean, I was 5-7 years old at the time we lived there so I guess I can’t get too mad at myself for not paying too much attention, but it’s pretty rad.
So many little things had changed but the parking lot of the restaurant we lived right by was the same. I remembered learning to ride my bike in that parking lot. As I looked at the gate and the awning in front of the house I thought how odd it was that I didn’t remembered it even though it looked like it had been there for a while. Then I realized it’s been about 20 years since I’ve lived there. Twenty. years. Holy shoot!

After my little walk down memory lane we went back into the craziness (it was a Sunday after all) and found more things to take pictures of.

At one point we walked by the Whaley House but we didn’t want to pay to go in so we just kept walking to a small cemetery.

At one point we went into the Church of Immaculate Conception. Part of me felt odd taking pictures in there, but I just found the things so beautiful. Even if I don’t believe in what they preach (there wasn’t a service going on) can I still appreciate the beauty of it?
Honestly, if I were to get into a specific religion I could see Catholicism calling to me, mostly for the beautiful art that is created in it’s name.

Brian and I ended up getting really, really hungry so we ended the walk after about two or so hours, but it was another great time and I’m so stoked about how it’s turning out.
I’m just trying to figure out how to get other people to come out to the events. It doesn’t matter if I plan it a good two weeks in advance… so I’ve been emailing the people that have joined and seeing what they are hoping from the group.
If you’re in San Diego join up and we’ll have some photo adventures!
xoxo

Things I Am *Hesitant* To Tell You

Sunday, May 27, 2012

The start: Creature Comforts, and Mimi+Meg

I don’t know if you’ve been seeing this around blog world, but there’s been a series of lovely ladies (and possibly gentlemen) telling us things that they normally wouldn’t. I like to think of myself as an open book, but sometimes I don’t share things out of respect to my family or friends.

Most people are calling their confessions “Things I Am Afraid To Tell You” but I’m switching afraid for hesitant, because I’m not afraid to share my life, at all, I’m just thinking of others when I keep my lips zipped (or fingers off the keys).

Also, I have a history of sharing my depression and frustrations with others. I have been called negative on more than one occasion by people I love and I’m working towards being a less negative, if not totally positive, person.

With all of that being said, I’m going to put my lesser known (maybe, who knows, I’m a pretty open book) quirks (and things I get embarrassed by) out in the open…

Ready?

Relationships
– I’ve had two boyfriends in my life. Both relationships together totaled to 2 1/2 months. At 26 I find this annoying, frustrating, and many times a bit embarrassing. I often wonder what exactly makes me different from these other girls who get guys like it’s no big deal.
– Maybe because of fact #1, I find myself often easily jealous and totally unsure when I am interested in someone. I overanalyze every little detail, every phrase and I find myself on a roller coaster of “he likes me, he likes me not.” I hit the “he likes me not” more times than the other. Frankly it’s exhausting.
– I amaze even my friends with how bad of a track record I have with guys. It becomes comical after a while, but there have been many a sad night (and day) due to douche bags and my not so great choices.
– I get asked pretty often if I have a boyfriend and when I say no people give me this amazed look and wonder how that could be. If I had the answer people, I probably wouldn’t be single.

Okay, enough of that… next:

Friendships
– I could be a better friend. I am horrible at remembering birthdays, even when I have them in my phone, I don’t call or check up often…etc. I also like to talk a lot about me, and when I say talk, many times it’s complain or give excuses. (In all fairness to myself, so this isn’t a total bashing, I am incredibly loyal and protective over my close friends, so maybe that’s why they keep me around despite the other things.)

Daily Habits
– I hate washing my hair. I put it off many a day when I can. It’s not the actual act of washing it that is so bad, but the drying procedure. If I let it dry by itself I don’t feel like I look my best and then get self conscious and lalala. If I take time to blow dry it then I also need to straighten or curl it. Blow drying my hair takes time people. Don’t get me wrong, I love my hair, I just put off the washing all the time.
– I’m really bad about making my bed. It looks so good and my room feels so much better when it’s made but honestly I find myself back in my bed so often that making it just seems useless.
– Which brings me to: I sleep a lot. While other people use drugs, drinking, sex, shopping, etc to take a break from their thoughts, I use sleep. I sleep best during the day when the sun is coming through the blinds and the sounds of life outside come through. I’m talking myself out of going back to sleep right now.
– I don’t wash my car very often. When I get a new one, or when I get into OCD clean mode I promise myself I am going to be better about keeping my car clean and lovely. Recent excuses for not washing my car: I really don’t want to get wet while washing it and I don’t have money to get it washed by someone else. Neither of these reasons really hold much weight but my car stays pretty dirty on the outside.
– I drink soda, Diet Coke specifically, every day. I haven’t given myself the strength to quit it. If things are a little off AND I’m trying to quit DC I am heinous to be around. I get sick of me.

Which brings me to probably my biggest fault, my longest running secret that until the past few years I’ve talked the least about:

** I am quite often not thrilled with myself. It doesn’t matter how much praise I get at work, or dance class or from friends or guys… I find myself to be annoying and frustrating and frankly, a bit dumb. Ah yes, and pathetic. I’m twenty-six living at my mom’s house working at a minimum wage job even though I have a degree and had such potential (or so everyone thought) in high school. I want to be great but I don’t know what to be great at or how to even begin. I can’t even figure out how to pay for my own life. Some potential right? Not as smart as they thought am I?
I keep the lows to myself as much as possible but sometimes it’s like a compulsion to tell my friends how horrid and awful I am. I won’t believe any good they say about me.
Then there are days where I seem fine. Where I seem happy, put together, enthusiastic, etc. I can’t explain that. I don’t have an explanation for the shifts, the good or the bad, the high or the low, all I can say is I’m pretty sure the Zoloft doesn’t regulate anything, and I’m not sure this is a problem for medication.

I find it very hard to be proud of myself for anything I’ve done in my life. I can tell you why any accomplishment really wasn’t that difficult or why I don’t deserve praise. I can tell you what’s wrong in everything I do. I can tell you how, even though I’ve been working out a TON more than I use to, it’s not hard enough or how I’m still not strong enough.

There’s no process for me, it’s all or nothing, change immediately, no weaknesses… right here, right now it has to be perfect otherwise I’m going to hear it.

Pretty impossible to live up to.

It’s a mental cycle that I still don’t know how to break after all the books, lessons, counseling sessions. I’m still me, still flawed. **

So there you have it. Some of the things I’m hesitant to share. I want to delete the last bit because this is suppose to be a place of happiness and good things. It’s just about the only place I fight to keep positive. But I guess that’s the point of these confessions.

xoxo

Dating 101 with this girl right here *points to self*

Friday, May 25, 2012

Today I’d like to shed some light on my trials, tribulations and now lessons on dating those of the opposite sex (mainly because I’ve never had a date with the same sex so I really wouldn’t know where to begin besides, be a gentlelady).

My first tip in dating: Don’t do it.
Save yourself…

Noooooo, I’m kidding…

Am I?

Sure.

Moving on, I’m going to get cliché and self help book on your and say first things first, know, and love, who you are. Feel like your butt jiggles too much? Love it. Worried it doesn’t jiggle enough and you’re envious of those talented ladies in the Wally World You Tube video? Love it. Was that a personal example? I can’t really say. Please don’t ask such personal questions, that’s rude.
Love who are, what your body does for you, what your mind does for you and what you do for both. It sucks… like totally supreme suckage because those times when you’re really all YEAH-times-a million-high-fives-to-myself-because-me-and-my-just-the-right-amount-of-jiggly-butt-are-awesome are the times when generally it’s quite fun to be single. AKA the times when you (maybe this is just me) are the most attractive are when you say pish posh to the idea of a steady date and run around like a chicken with your head cut off (not playing musical beds mind you, that would be too much work. More like flirting and then doing a whole bunch of projects you find on Pinterest. Just me again? Sigh. Okay, more universal, like fortune cookies…)

Let’s just go to the second lesson/rule: They want to sleep with you. No, seriously. If you’re a woman and he’s a dude taking you out and he asked you, and even if you asked him and he said yes, he wants to sleep with you. For all those who are going to be quick to call me bitter here let me just clarify I did NOT say that’s all they wanted. Though if you’re meeting them for the first time at a bar and you’re pretty sure their really quite drunk… I’m going to say 95% that’s all they want.
I really don’t know for sure though, I mean some of my friends don’t know how to keep guys from wanting a relationship and well, let’s just say I don’t have that problem. “How do you get a guy to do more than just kiss” they ask me… hahahahahaha WHAT?! How do you get them to STAY at that spot for more than 2 minutes? Seriously? Am I just hitting on guys who’s hormone levels are stuck in high school mode? Silly question, don’t answer that… answer is most positively yes.

Lesson three: If you have a problem keeping your pants on use this trick… wear jeggings that are at least slightly difficult to get off AND don’t shave for a couple of days before the date/meet up/hang out/whatever. Don’t tell the partner of the moment about these sneaky blocks you have. Act like you really are interested in them and their supposed “skills”, but you’re also interested in keeping those lovely pants on. Seriously, if you tell a guy he’s probably going to say whatevs to the stubble on the shins, honestly I’m not sure many actually care, but I know I do. I care. I would think twice, maybe even a lot more than twice about things going past a innocent high school-esqe (hahaha innocent… tv shows are showing the reality of high school make out sessions… the youth!) make out session.
Seriously, jeggings with ankle holes that have a hard time going over your heel… almost better than a metal chastity belt. Almost. I might bring those back. Though I’m not so sure about hygiene with those. Nah, never mind, jeggings it is, at least they are made of mostly cotton. Breathable…

again I digress..

Lesson four: Trust your gut. Not like, trust it to not have any more drinks or eat that last cookie, I mean, trust it with that too… but trust your instincts. So many times I’ve tried to give one the benefit of the doubt just to look a fool. Don’t give anyone an easy out, make them prove their worth.

Lesson five: Don’t believe them when they say their ex is crazy unless she happens to have shown her crazy, to you, in person. Even then, wonder if your new man friend may have done something before that wasn’t so awesome.
I’m not saying all ex-girlfriends are misunderstood, but a lot of them are given the “crazy” label because a guy just can’t cope with whatever happened. I mean, I would like to think that someone of my gender might give me the benefit of the situation if an ex of mine ever called me crazy.
In my experience, when a dude says (friend or romantic interest) his ex was crazy it usually means “but if she offered make up sex I’d be back in a heartbeat.” I don’t know what it is, when a guy uses crazy to describe his ex I know to run for the hills if I was thinking about being interested… so many unresolved feelings come with that one little word.

I guess Lesson five comes with a “if they are talking a lot about their ex, run” bullet point. They are either still unresolved on the relationship OR just want to get laid and are still besties with their ex. Besties, like buddies for life… like, help each other get knew dates months after they break up besties. Odd… wait, not a specific example, I didn’t know a guy like that.

I guess to wrap up I’ll say this: I have little actually helpful knowledge on dating. While it is surprising to some that I’ve only had two actual titled boyfriends, it remains true. Probably because I was dealing with a whole lot of losers (see all examples above where I say it didn’t happen to me).

Truth be told I’m more than a little bent out of shape about dating at the moment. More than anything I’m scared of happening upon another male to like. Why? Because when I fall into like, I fall hard. While that crazy first getting to know someone energy is incredibly intoxicating and oh so great feeling, the come down is quite harsh and I don’t want to feel that come down again. Next time I am going to work really hard to not get excited for a loooong time. And I’ll probably need to re-read this again like a bajillion times. 😉

Oh yes, here I am re-reading and totally not taking my last bit of advice.

xoxo

Something I Missed

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I don’t think I’ve ever seen My Girl. Don’t worry, you aren’t the only one that finds that tidbit strange, I do as well. I have seen Look Who’s Talking and possibly Look Who’s Talking 2… I’ve seen The Sandlot, National Velvet, Grease, other movies that have horses die at the end… but not Seabiscuit… I’ve seen The Goonies and ugh, E.T. (seriously, E.T. was so very traumatizing for me I still hate that movie and get creeped out when I see a picture of that ugly elf-ish blob-like creature), possibly The Witches where a woman projectile upchucks cherries everywhere (another traumatizing scene), Casper, All Dogs Go to Heaven (what the HECK was that movie, it was dark and I don’t know why they made that for kids)…
I think you get the point, the list could go on and on.
But somehow, in the mix of all of that, oh and Footloose, my mom fed me some of the classics, I missed My Girl.

I feel I must remedy this situation in the very near future.

What childhood classic did you miss out on as a kid? Did you ever feel the need to watch it later, or did friends peer pressure you into it one summer day (me and The Goonies, though I realized half way through I had seen it when I was very, very young)?

xoxo

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