I’ve been giving it a good college go to improve my attitude about, well, everything. I’ve been told I can be extremely negative and I’ve noticed it myself a great many times. I’ve been working hard over the past half year or more to change my outlook on life and myself. Most days I really understand and appreciate the bits I take away from the self help books I read and the projects I sign up for. But other days, like Saturday, there is just a cloud that refuses to break down easy.
Saturday the doubts that I had pushed down, the frustration that I’d tried to ease in my mind all came together into a dark cloud above my head. There was just no kicking it for the better part of the day. I even went and hung out with friends which admittedly, did ease some of the frustration, but not all of it. I feel really challenged when moods like that come along. I get this feeling that I need out of my skin, that nothing sounds okay and everything is going wrong. I feel like screaming, cussing and complaining about anything and everything and my humor gets really dark.
While my sarcastic comments sometimes make people laugh it is not a pleasant place for me to be. And I try to stay away from friend and family during these darker times but sometimes being around them is what I need to get out of it.
So this time I compromised. I called a few friends, b and m-ed (excuse the french here, bitched and moaned) to one using harsh language which felt pretty good. Some of my pent up energy was released. During that time a different friend called and left a funny message and I was able to meet up with him and one of his friends at a coffee shop I hadn’t been to in a while. After that the cloud eased a bit more.
I was still in a very subdued mood when we went to the beach later and met up with other friends but I took the time to enjoy the sound of the ocean and study a bit on the beach. I thought about how so few people get to study on the beach and it made me feel just a little bit more grateful for something in my day. The studying also helped me realize that this thing I have been dreading and putting off (studying for a big test to get my teaching credential, well, the opportunity to take classes to THEN get my TC) won’t be AS BAD as I thought it was going to be.
I kept forgetting as I thought about the magnitude of this test, that the information I am going to be learning is stuff that I find interesting and useful. A lot of it is review from years and years of English classes. While 5 hours taking a test (during which I am to write 2 long and 4 short answer essays) is definitely going to melt my mind, it won’t be as impossible as I’ve made it out to be.
With that another little weight lifted. I still wasn’t super friendly feeling at that point (and the wet sand had soaked through my towel and made the seat of my jeans wet) so I left the boys to come in from the surf without their groupie and went home to take some time to chill and get warm.
I get home, one of my friends calls to ask if I want to meet for dinner later, he says it will be about an hour maybe a tad more which then gives me the perfect window of time to work out and then meet up with him. The invitation and work out session broke the rest of the cloud left and finally I was free to be happy again.
After dinner I went home to get changed to get ready to go out and I had SUCH a good time. Oh goodness, two margaritas in (short glass margaritas) and we were all laughing and having a great time. I’m so glad that my earlier thoughts of staying home alone weren’t acted upon.
So tonight, after processing the week I realized that I had been more productive than I thought. I made a list to prove it!
Things I’ve Completed:
– Finished my 3 college applications online (USF, NAU and CSUSM if you are wondering)
– Finished 3 books (Start Something That Matters, Sweet Valley Confidential and An Abundance of Katherines)
– Filed my taxes
– Completed the 2012-2013 FAFSA
– put Netflix account on hold until May ($8 a month I am not doing anything with, so we’ll wait until money is more stable and there’s more I want to watch)
– went to an awesome book club meet up!
– progressed in my dance classes, not as much as I wanted to, but progress none the less
I might end up doing these lists more often… I might not post them all the time but they will be a great reminder when the months fly by to see what I have done.
Do you have times where you think nothing has been accomplished but when you really take a look back you realize you’ve done quite a bit?
To those who are incredibly positive, take action people: do you still have days where everything feels off and you just want to complain about something? Or does the need for that kind of release of mental energy fade after a lot of practice?