Summer is here! Summer is here! But it has been for a while, absurdly enough some kids are going back to school now that it’s August (already). I’m feeling it slip by, I’m wondering how to hold on and enjoy. How to savor. I’ve been getting outside a little more than usual. I want to swim in a lake and in a pool, I want to go to the fair, and pick peaches, and drive for miles and miles.
Monday, May 16, 2016
I’m not normally one to force creativity but I know I have been missing this space and not knowing what to contribute so I avoid it. I started to write this morning and then deleted it all because it said nothing. I use to write thousands of words about nothing for friends and followers to read but I haven’t been so open to that. I’ve had years of side comments that slowed the words, that put them in cages until I couldn’t show up here anymore.
I’m here, I have no answers of what to do next. I don’t know what I want to share, I don’t know what I want to write, I know that there are a million thoughts going on at all times and that in the moment they seem pretty damn important but then later they seem overly emotional or dramatic or trite or sad. Can you tell what side comments have been lazily tossed my way?
I use to speak up often, I use to have so much to say. I still find myself talking but I worry about it now. I wonder if people are tired of listening, if I’ve crossed bounds, if people will see that there’s not just the ball of sunshine here in this mind. Haha, that’s silly, anybody that’s been around me for more than 5 minutes knows that.
I’ve been exploring the things I haven’t wanted to admit about myself in the past. The things I’ve tried to make nonexistent. The ones I’ve pretended were blips and then got mad at myself for because I couldn’t be trusted. I wonder what would happen if I could accept them all. If I could stop trying to balance atop this shaky pedestal I put myself on so I wouldn’t do anything wrong. What if I just let it fall?
I’m thinking about shitty rough drafts, I’m thinking about sitting with discomfort and imperfection. I’m thinking about really being in potentially awkward situations and seeing them through.
I’m thinking, I’m writing in personal spaces, I miss sharing. I don’t know what moving forward looks like.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
As I’m getting closer and closer to the completion of my 30th rotation around the sun (strike through, now that I’ve completed the 30th rotation… WHAT?! Right?), I have been thinking a lot about passion, excitement and what parts of my 20’s I want to take with me. There’s a LOT that I want to leave behind, all the insecurity and drama… good riddance, but one thing that popped into my mind recently was “I’m obsessed…” and I realized that it had been so long since I’d thought that, with excitement, about something I was adding to my life.
In high school and college it was something I thought pretty often… a new hot guy from the disney channel all over my binder, a song that I couldn’t stop listening to, a book that I couldn’t stop reading about… but it dwindled over the years. A mix of shame about being girly, cliche and positively dramatic about things and feeling like I had to “grow up” took the thought out of my regular rotation.
How sad, no?
Today, when that lovely, “oh man, I am ob.sessed” (read that emphasis on the first syllable, yeahhhhh) thought popped back into my head, with it’s brilliance and excitement it was like seeing a best friend from years before and reconnecting like no time had passed at all. I didn’t realize I had missed my excitement, I didn’t realize I was keeping it down.
In my thirty first year and beyond I want to bring that energy, give her space at the table to sigh with a smile on her face and her chin in her hands, to get wide eyed and talk fast when something sparks interest, I want to give the girly, cliche, positively dramatic (and sometimes basic) part of me a rhinestone decorated chair at the table. She totally deserves to be here, she makes life a lot more fun.
Current things I’m ob.sessing over lately: hormone supporting foods, lunar cycles, astrology, tarot cards, tarot porn (pictures of daily tarot spreads on white/marble tables with crystals), pink things (never would have thought), colored pens, writing in my journal about my sabbatical, belly dancing, line dances, my collection of used matches, reading reading reading, nutella, wearing black on black on blue… always
What have you been ob.sessed with lately?
Sunday, April 10, 2016
What have I been doing on my sabbatical-
Admittedly the first week was a lot of sleeping and lazing around and not knowing what to do with myself and feeling overall pretty grumpy. I get a lot of natural light in my apartment but it’s not enough. I need to get out of the house more. Especially because I’m alone soooooooo much. But I couldn’t think of things to do so I stayed put and I slept until I couldn’t and then I read and then slept more. I did get some good books in and learned some helpful things for my health, so it wasn’t a total bust of a week, but I definitely wanted my second week to be more enjoyable.
Week two came around with a list of things to do, just to get out of the house and while it hasn’t felt like the amazing wonderful life changing relaxation station I hoped a month off would, it has definitely been better. This week I’ve been reading less in books getting out of the apartment more + learning line dances from tutorials online + learning how to track my fertility + trying new foods + reading a bunch of things online + watching videos of Shakira belly dancing + working one day a week + getting paperwork filled out for new job + drinking apple cider vinegar in the morning + eating more veggies + looking up sustainability practices like non plastic salad spinners, composting and I even read about a woman who made her own toilet towels (as opposed to toilet paper) + journaling + feeling like a crazy person + feeling completely sane + reading about tarot + checking out a bajillion books from the library + nursing plants back to health and adding more to the family + making natural wasp deterrent spray + writing for a blog that’s not my own + cleaning off my work space + attempting to hang out and talk with people more often + eating a lot of berries + writing some blog posts…
The list could go on.
I keep thinking about what I want to accomplish when I come to the end of this time and I have a list of things but mostly I want to feel relaxed and ready for the next phase. Deep breaths, good food, movement, time with friends. I guess that’s all I really need.